I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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