Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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