haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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