i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
