Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
