I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
