Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I believe in your delicious
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
