You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
