The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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