He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
