I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
