the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
