if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
