Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
from now on my penis is your penis
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
