I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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