I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
