So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
