Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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