Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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