i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
