Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
