pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
