OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
