I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
