i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize