My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
When are your genitals available?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize