What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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