This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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