I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
