She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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