So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Every concussion has its silver lining
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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