well I can't set my house on fire every night
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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