Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
