I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
