Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
