So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
