Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
