glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize