Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
