just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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