she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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