Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
