Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
