Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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