Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
