i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
