my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I pour the whiskey from now on
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize