Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
