In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
