Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize