I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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