wakey wakey hands off snakey
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
