Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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