his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
