i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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