I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
