Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
