Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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