I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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