I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
