I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
