u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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