i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
